The heavy weight that is depression
I don’t know about you - but I can physically feel when my depression comes in town for a visit. It feels like a massive wave of darkness that swoops you up and before you know it you are trapped in the storm. Some days it’s the feeling of complete numbness, while other days it’s the never ending thoughts of all the bad aspects of your life.
Have you had thoughts such as:
Why wasn’t I enough for those who left my life?
Why can’t I make my family proud?
Why do I look this way?
Why can’t I be like ——, they have the perfect life.
Why am I not living the life I dreamed of?
If you answered yes to any of these… me too! You are not the only one having these thoughts, you would be surprised just how many of us deal with these thoughts of doom and doubt.
There are so many components to depression and it can differ per person. Personally, I can wade back and forth between not eating at all or eating constantly. I lean more into eating my feelings than not - it feels fine in the moment until my negative self talk kicks in. Once that happens I become consumed with a whole other demon - body negativity. I begin staring at myself in the mirror and a million awful things come to mind while looking at my body.
Why can’t my stomach be flat?
Why do I look like this - I used to be thin?
The weight never stops adding up.
I should work out - but that requires motivation and dedication which I don’t have.
If only I felt confident but every time I see myself in anything, I don’t feel pretty. This is why I never have photoshoots anymore.
About a week ago, I had to say goodbye to my cat of fourteen years. If you knew me, then you would know Shadow was my entire world. Shocking how another soul can bring you peace in the chaos that is life. Battling the grief of losing someone - has been a whole other type of depression. But, I am forcing myself more than I usually would to see the beauty in it. Focusing on all the gifts he gave me in those fourteen years rather than the negatives of him no longer being with me.
Grief is grief - doesn’t matter how others view it. You are the one who is feeling this pain and you are allowed to ride the wave of emotions. Some days you may feel angry - while other days that anger turns into sadness. It is okay. You are allowed to move through all of those emotions and to not feel ashamed.
There are of course many coping skills for depression but more times than not - those require motivation to try and help yourself. The key component that has helped me in these times is having support. Even if it’s sending a text to my friend and receiving reassurance. That little amount can help me feel something positive. The weight begins to lighten when others in your circle understand what you are feeling and going through. I’ve made it a point to only surround myself with those who get it. When the time comes where you are depressed - it makes life so much easier when you have that empathetic and loving circle instead of a circle who that doesn’t understand and ridicules you instead.
Looking within and pin-pointing what brought on this wave of depression can create a more logical point of view when healing. Take your time, each day brings a new emotion and you are capable of handling this. Trust yourself in these moments.