Living with Panic Disorder
In January of 2020, my family and I eagerly planned a trip to visit the Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD) in Georgia. At first, the prospect of exploring a new city and pursuing my passion for art filled me with excitement. As the departure date drew near, however, an inexplicable cloud of stress and pressure began to envelope me. I never could have anticipated the life-changing events that were about to unfold during that trip. In this blog, I want to take you on a more in-depth journey into my life with panic disorder, sharing the harrowing symptoms that accompany panic attacks, and the genuine fear that engulfs me in the midst of one.
My Story Unravels: As the day of the flight arrived, I could feel the mounting anxiety in the pit of my stomach. Though I had been on countless flights throughout my life due to my family's frequent travels, this time felt different. The moment we boarded the plane, it was as if a switch was flipped inside me, and my heart rate accelerated rapidly. Panic washed over me, and I felt an urgent need to escape the confined space of the aircraft. Clutching onto my mother's arm, I begged her to let me leave, but she gently reminded me that we couldn't just abandon the flight. Trapped in my own emotional turmoil, I spiraled into a panic attack, my mind racing, my breaths quickening, and tears streaming down my face. I felt as if I were on the verge of death. The entire flight was an agonizing ordeal, and even after landing, I felt weak and disoriented, needing a wheelchair to move from point A to B.
The day after arriving in Savannah, we decided to explore the city before the scheduled college tour. I thought I was doing okay until the tour day arrived. The anticipation and stress started building up once again. I tried to eat before the tour, but my appetite was nonexistent, and I felt strangely detached from reality. Despite my attempts to stay composed, I could feel the panic rising inside me as we began touring the college dorms. Unable to bear the overwhelming sensation of fainting, I broke down in front of everyone, hyperventilating and sobbing uncontrollably. It became evident that I needed to return home immediately. Instead of flying, we embarked on a grueling 12-15 hour drive, as flying was no longer an option for me. During the journey, I experienced a series of panic attacks triggered by sensory overload and the fear of being far from home.
The Terror of Panic Attacks: Panic attacks are akin to facing a tempest in the darkest depths of the ocean. They strike like lightning, seemingly out of nowhere, and with immense force. The symptoms I endure during these episodes are both physical and psychological, leaving me feeling completely overwhelmed:
Heart-pounding: My heart races erratically, like a wild stallion galloping uncontrollably.
Breathlessness: Breathing becomes rapid and shallow, and I find myself gasping for air, as if I were suffocating.
Profuse sweating: My body overheats, drenched in sweat, adding to the already unbearable discomfort.
Impending doom: A sense of impending doom shrouds me, and I'm convinced that something terrible is about to happen.
Sensory overload: During panic attacks, my senses become hyperactive, and every sound, sight, or touch feels magnified, overwhelming me further.
Dizziness and lightheadedness: My head spins, and I fear losing consciousness, making the panic even more terrifying.
Chest pain and tightness: A crushing sensation envelops my chest, making me wonder if I am having a heart attack.
In the Midst of Panic: Attempting to describe the terror that consumes me during a panic attack is akin to trying to tame a raging storm. It's an overwhelming torrent of fear, helplessness, and confusion that engulfs me completely. I feel as if I'm trapped in a never-ending nightmare, desperately seeking an escape route. My mind and body are in a constant battle, and the feeling of losing control is utterly frightening. The intense fear of the unknown, combined with the physical and emotional distress, leaves me convinced that my life is in grave danger. Words alone cannot convey the depth of horror I experience during these episodes.
Embracing Empathy and Authenticity: Living with panic disorder has been a journey I never could have anticipated. It has taught me the importance of seeking help and understanding from others. Therapy, particularly cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), has been a lifeline for me. Through CBT, I've learned invaluable coping strategies to manage panic attacks and gradually reduce their impact on my life.
To those battling panic disorder, remember that you are not alone. Reach out for help, surround yourself with understanding individuals, and remember that seeking support is a testament to your strength, not a sign of weakness. Recovery may not be linear, but with patience, determination, and support, it is possible to find relief and regain control over your life.
Conclusion: My journey with panic disorder has been marked by challenges, fear, and uncertainty. Panic attacks have tested my resilience and shaken the core of my being. However, I refuse to let this disorder define me. With each passing day, I grow stronger, more resilient, and more determined to navigate this storm within.
If you can relate to my story, know that there is hope. Seek support, reach out for professional help, and surround yourself with empathetic souls who understand the struggles you face. Living with panic disorder is undeniably difficult, but together, we can find solace in the fact that we are not alone on this journey. Embrace the journey towards healing, and remember that even in the darkest storms, the sun will eventually shine again.